Ep 2: Our Story, His Glory - Part 2

In this second episode of Love By Design, we share how we reached the lowest pits in our first two years of marriage, almost splitting, but then by His grace God redeemed us and taught us beautiful lessons along the way... we share those lessons here.

Stay tuned for new episodes going live every Tuesday at 5PM Eastern.

Transcript

Our Story, His Glory - Part 2
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[00:00:00] Welcome back to another podcast. I am Aaron. This is my better half Patience, and today we're gonna be talking through the second half of our story. we've been married for just over two years at this point, and it has been a very interesting ride, to say the least. And we've had a lot of growing that, you know, the Lord has done in our lives, a lot of immaturity that we've kind of come out of. Yeah. Um, and so we are going to be sharing that story with y'all hopefully, so that it can help even just one person listening to this. and then from there we'll spend the rest of these podcast episodes from here on out, kind of pulling apart specific seasons and the different lessons that we've learned and, you know, the different beliefs that we've developed.

Mm-hmm. To hopefully help at least one person listening to this podcast, either. Come out of a, a difficult time in their relationship or to build a new pillar in [00:01:00] their marriage or, their relationship. Prepare for future relationships or prepare for future relationships as well. And so, and ultimately our job here is to help more couples glorify.

God in their relationships and to grow, and to remove sin by the grace of God, so that they stop hurting each other. So, we'll be picking up where we left off on our last episode, which is when we got married. Yeah. And if you haven't noticed, if you're watching, we are in different outfits because that podcast episode took.

Quite a while to build. It did take quite a while. Yes. Because we just have a big, long, full story. So Yes, we do. Indeed. A hundred percent. So we're picking up the next day. Yep. And on top of this as well, our mission by the end of this podcast, season one is to have a name for it. So again, if you have any ideas.

Let us know. you'll probably, honestly, I don't know, maybe like, we'll have the name decided by the time that we launch this. 'cause we've already filmed a number of episodes. and so who knows, maybe by the [00:02:00] time it's launched, we'll have a name and you guys will just hear us be talking about like, yeah, we need to get a name figured out.

So, and we have a name. And we have a name already. So, anyway, let's go ahead and pick right up from where we left off. Yeah. So we got married. Mm-hmm. It was a very fun wedding. Yeah, it was a great time. We enjoyed it and all. Thank you again parents. Thank you again. Fantastic weather and honestly everyone who attended.

Yeah, it was a really good time. Um, and the. The caveat to that though, being that as fun as the wedding day was, it was the beginning of a very, very bumpy journey. Mm-hmm. So as early as our honeymoon. Yes. So, yeah. let's go ahead and start there. So obviously, you know, we have our wedding day. We leave our wedding day.

Mm-hmm. We go off on our honeymoon. Yeah. And these problems that we talked about in the last episode. Breaches of trust, selfishness, lack of empathy, lack of boundaries, lack of emotional intelligence and awareness, lack of emotional intelligence and [00:03:00] awareness. These things came up and became really difficult.

And so, obviously we were just married. Yeah, so sex was something that we were, you know, looking to figure out how to do. Um, but unfortunately without, you know, going too deep into the details was not. Something that was working out very well and a big part of that being just due to the emotional problems Yeah.

That we had. Mm-hmm. The breaches of trust, things like that. Yeah. I distinctly remember in our honeymoon we're out at this, you know, all inclusive hard rock resort in Mexico. Yeah. That we got on like a really big discount. Yeah. Um, and. We're there and I remember like, alright, like I wanna connect with each other or whatever.

Mm-hmm. But I don't even remember what the exact conflict was. May [00:04:00] maybe you do, but I can't quite remember either. But I know, I, I think I had something to do with, like I said, we had like scheduled a time to be together to be very intentional with each other. I think. And I ended up going back on that and saying I didn't really feel like it and I didn't really wanna do it.

And I just remember like going out to the balcony. Yeah. I remember the balcony. Like I just remember the emotions we were having out there. Yeah. And I think, again, I can't quite remember the conflict, but I know that it had to do with me breaking your trust, me going back on my word. Um, and me thinking only of myself, I think.

And at that point it was kind of like crap. The problems are still there. They're still there. Yeah. And there's no going back. Yeah. And if anything, it has this compounded level of like there, because there is no backing out. It's like, is this what the rest of my life will look like? Yeah. Um, and this is again, a couple of days after we got mm-hmm.

That we're having. [00:05:00] These issues. Yeah. So, you know, we go through a honeymoon and it's this and, and we wanted to do like a nice honeymoon. Mm-hmm. Again, thinking that having a nice honeymoon. Would kick off our relationship in the right way. Yeah. And we would, everything would mm-hmm. Would be better because of it.

Yeah. But in reality, even though on Facebook, you know, everyone sees the pictures of us having a great time. We're crying. It was like putting nice, fresh paint over a pile of mud. Yeah. You know, like it just didn't, it wasn't that great. Yeah. You know, and I think there were amazing parts of it. I think we did have a great time together.

At times, you know, and the food was good and yeah, you know, the, the views were good, but we were still struggling with all those emotional conflicts that were not getting resolved. And as time progressed and the weeks and the months went by, I. Our relationship started getting into a place of like, how do we even connect with each [00:06:00] other?

Mm-hmm. Similar to our friendship. Right. All these problems that kind of reared their ugly heads, but mm-hmm. Only became worse. Yeah. because again, we're two very different people mm-hmm. With different ways of thinking. Yeah. Different communication styles. Yeah. Different ways of handling conflict coming together.

Mm-hmm. And we both wanted to make it work. Mm-hmm. But there was this. These constant problems going on. And another thing as well is we were actually also still doing marriage counseling. Mm-hmm. And it was not working. And we get around to, in Charlotte, North Carolina, somehow a conversation came up of, do you even love me?

Hmm. And what was your answer at the time? And my answer before I even say it, I wanna clarify that I'm a very like, rational, detail oriented person. I'm very practical in how I think about things. So I kept looking at [00:07:00] our marriage and how I kept betraying Aaron. I kept engaging in sinful thoughts and mindsets and focusing only on myself.

So I was looking at all of this stuff and I kept hurting you, and I kept. You know, breaking promises to you. So I was looking at all of this stuff and I was like, well, if I look at these actions, then no, I don't love you and I, 'cause you're my, my actions don't say I love you, therefore I don't love you.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Whereas for me, I was looking for a sense of validation of. Well, even though your actions might not say it, does your heart say it? Yeah. And if, if I can know that your heart still loves me, then I, then we can like work through the actions part. Yeah. But from your perspective, when you hear that question, you're thinking, well, because my actions don't say it.

Yeah. My heart must not love you. Yeah. And so when I ask the question, I'm asking one thing. Yeah. But you're receiving something different. Yeah. And so your response [00:08:00] to that, mm-hmm. Was soul crushing? Mm-hmm. You said no. Yeah. No, I don't love you. We are five months married on a trip in Charlotte, a vacation in Charlotte, and my wife tells me in the hotel room, I don't love you.

Mm-hmm. I'm gutted. And that was kind of the moment where it's like. Like, I feel like most people when they talk about, yeah, the first year of marriage is the hardest or whatever, um, I feel like there's two groups of people. You have the people who say that the first year of marriage is the honeymoon phase and everything's great, and then you have the group of people that say the first year of marriage is the hardest.

But when they talk about that mm-hmm. They're talking about you leave your socks on the floor. Mm-hmm. You leave your dirty laundry out, or man, you don't do the dishes or you stink. Mm-hmm. Right. Like. Those are the issues they're talking about. Well, I, I do think that if people are saying the first year of marriage is the hardest, I think there is a group of people that probably have gone through the things we've gone through precisely.

But nobody talks about it, but we don't talk about [00:09:00] it. Yeah, because it's, it's like, it's such a. Horrible thing to say. My marriage, I just got married. The first year of marriage has been horrible and, and we're struggling so much. It's like nobody talks about it, so we didn't talk about it. Mm-hmm. We didn't seek help or counsel.

We, we didn't know how. Yeah. We felt so low. Felt that process. We felt so, which is a huge part of us starting this podcast precisely, is to bring light to those issues. To, to tell you guys about her story and show you guys the redemption that can happen through it. A hundred percent. So there is a good, there is a good part.

Yeah. It's coming soon. It's coming. All right. So, but, but yeah. This is like a really, really dark time. Mm-hmm. Right? And I, in that moment in the hotel room, I'm like. Like, I felt so alone. I felt like no one understood that like world, like how do you deal with that Five months married and your wife tells you she doesn't love you.

Yeah. But again, like on your side, like your, your, your side. Mm-hmm. You, your heart. You loved you. I do love you. I didn't [00:10:00] wanna you lose you love you, but you didn't know how to say that because you didn't understand the question. I said, and we thought, yeah, well, like our problems are because we have.

Breaches of trust. Mm-hmm. Our problems are because we have like major issues in our relationship. Yeah. Well, it's not because of communication. It was totally because of communication. Right. Most of it. And when we look back at that, it's like, okay, like yeah, like there communication I'd say was like, really at the core of it, it's sin.

Sin was the heart, the, the, the, the root of all of these issues. Yeah. Of both of us being fallen human beings with different expectations coming together. Mm-hmm. Focusing on ourselves. And so like on my end. I, you know, was focusing on, like, I, I came in with this expectation of this dream marriage. Mm-hmm.

So I grew up listening to country music, right? Mm-hmm. And it may not have been Disney princesses with their Prince Charming, but it was like Disney princesses with their Prince Charming for guys. Yeah. Grew up in the [00:11:00] South. Right. Is that country music you're hearing all about? Like, you know, that ideal lady, the girl in the sundress, the girl in the sundress, and it's like, you know, it's I idyllic relationship.

Yeah. Like. It's either that or it's like, you know, I lost her. It's like I, you know, ran my keys on the side of this, you know, car, right? Yeah. and so the, like, my picture that, like, that's what I grew up with. Mm-hmm. That's what I always wanted. Mm-hmm. I was always a romantic. Mm-hmm. And so, like, I wanted that ideal relationship when I got married.

That's what I expected. Yeah. And then I have this. Yeah. And so it was. Really difficult for me, but I was holding on, I was holding on to that ideal. Mm-hmm. That picture, and we'll talk about this in another podcast episode of I was having an affair with my ideal imaginary wife That I [00:12:00] didn't have.

And it prevented me from just receiving you for who you were not trying to change you. Laying my life down for you. Flaws, good things, everything in between. I wasn't laying my life down in love and service for you. It was just problems and I was, had so much pain caked on top that I couldn't see the good.

And CD and melody Fabian. Highly recommend them. They have a podcast called Hanging With the Fabians. Check them out. They talked about this at the Weekend to remember conference that we were just at like last weekend. That's sponsored by Family Life. This podcast is not sponsored by Family Life, but family life.

If you'd like to sponsor us, hit us up. but anyway, um, they talked about like a lot of times in marriage we have these like pane glasses that tint and color our view. Yeah. And we can't see the good. Yeah. And that [00:13:00] was me. Like I couldn't see the good. And so like I would try to think of like, well what's one good thing about my wife?

And I would just sit there and I'd be like, I can't think of anything good about my wife. Yeah. And it was heart wrenching to say to, to admit that. Right. It was like, we're recently married. I wanted to be the husband who would just brag about my wife all the time, but I had nothing to brag about. Mm-hmm. I was like, my wife hurts me.

Yeah. My wife breaks my trust. Mm-hmm. Right. And because of that, because I was so. Caught up in that pain and because I was hanging on to what I wanted marriage to look like, rather than simply accepting and receiving who I had in front of me, who God had given me. Mm-hmm. And laying my life down, which was my God-given role and duty in that relationship, was to lay my life down and serve and love her.

Mm-hmm. I didn't do that. and because of that, it only exacerbated the pain and made it worse. Mm-hmm. And perpetuated those problems. Now, this is not to say that if you were in an abusive relationship that you shouldn't do anything about it. You shouldn't bring it up, you shouldn't communicate through it.[00:14:00] 

The reason why we're here today is because patients and I communicated. Through our problems and we didn't give up and we sought help from outside sources. We sought the Lord and we tried to work through it. So I'm not saying that, you know, if you're in a relationship where there is some kind of abuse, verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, that you should just sweep it under the rug.

You should seek help, you should seek the Lord, and definitely do not stay in a situation where you are being abused. So I just wanna make that quick side note. Not to, to take that the wrong way. Um, but it was definitely a tough relationship and I was not laying my life down as I should. So that was like, kind of on my end.

Okay. Like I, I kind of hit rock bottom and I didn't know what to do. I felt so alone. I think feeling alone was one of the biggest things for me, and I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about what was going on in a marriage. Um, I felt misunderstood by [00:15:00] counselors. The counselors we sought, I felt there was no one I could turn to.

I couldn't turn to my husband 'cause my husband was in so much pain. I didn't feel like you could receive the hurt that I was feeling when you already had so much of your own hurt. And I felt misunderstood by marriage counselors. Um, we had moved away from all of our close friends. It got to a point where, again, as the months progressed and it was death by a thousand cuts, there were more things, one after the other.

I felt like, you know, if we had a conflict, another thing that happened is, you know, I I, I'm the type of person, like, you know, just based, I've been this way my entire life. You know, I've kind of developed this way of handling conflict just from my upbringing is like, if there's a situation, you handle it.

Mm-hmm. Like I wanna, I wanna address it right there. I don't wanna leave anything 'cause I feel unsafe. Yeah. If there's something under the surface mm-hmm. That's not being addressed. Yes. If you're upset, if you're not doing well. Mm-hmm. And it's not cleared up immediately. Mm-hmm. I feel unsafe. Yes. So I was a pursuer when we [00:16:00] faced conflict.

Mm-hmm. I wanted to address it immediately. Yeah. And then I am a distancer, so when I have conflict, I, not only do I run away from it, I shut down completely. Mm-hmm. At the time, anyway, this is very much improved, but this was a huge reason that our marriage was struggling so much is because we couldn't get through our conflicts because we had two different ways of handling them.

So I would, I would shut down, I would withdraw. Um, I would stonewall. I wouldn't respond. Like I would just sit there. And like, and it was tough for me. Yeah. 'cause I, I interpret that as well. I'm the only one here that wants to work through a conflict. Yeah. You know, I'm the only one that's trying. Yeah. And so like, we have all this misunderstanding, like, I remember, you know, sitting on the couch and just like being like, why is it that, you know, like.

I'm not sitting here like yelling or anything like that. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to make it work. I'm doing everything that the marriage therapist told me to do, which probably came from like marriage therapy 1 0 1. Yeah. And, and it's not like they were, I, I guess they just weren't equipped to actually help us work through [00:17:00] our issues.

Mm-hmm. Because it was always, I, not those therapists there, therapists. Therapists, yes. But it was just like very, it was all the basic stuff and it never actually helped us. And so. We, like I was, I was doing all the things. Mm-hmm. These, again, very, yeah. I guess elementary, yeah. Level things that therapist told me to do, taking time out and, and I don't know.

And it kind of helped. It kind of helped. And we were just in this cycle that was going over and over and over, like we weren't getting anywhere. Because we weren't actually able to communicate through our problems and through our conflict it only exacerbated the problem. Mm-hmm. And then elongated the problems and, and then it reached a point where our marriage just became cold.

We didn't know how to connect with one another. We would just sit there in silence and look at each other. And when we would try to find marriage therapists, 'cause we were. Constantly working like, okay. Like find, trying to find people to work with it through, like these marriage therapists would be like, yeah, John Gottman talks about perpetual problems.

And we didn't want to get divorced though, admittedly. We were, I think we had thought about [00:18:00] it a a lot. We were starting to consider divorce at this point. Um, we, but we didn't want to do that. Yeah. We wanted to find a way to work through it. It was like an off limits thing for us. Yeah. But in the back of our minds, we were, like, both of us were like.

Thinking about it if this, but we wouldn't say it. Yeah. Yes. And it, it was, I think also we had a rule where we were not to say divorce. Mm-hmm. And not to like really bring it out and bring it up as a, as, um, an option. Yeah. But even still in the back of our minds, we were like. How are we gonna do this? Yeah.

Because every, every therapist we had spoken to would basically tell us like, yeah, there's no solution to this. It was like, John Gottman's perpetual problems. Yeah. And the way that they framed it was like, this is something that will never be fixed. Mm-hmm. It'll never go away. Mm-hmm. And we're like, what?

What are you talking about? Yeah. So. And, and every single one of them, they're like, we can't take divorce off the table. If that's what you need to do, then that's what [00:19:00] we'll advise you to do. It was like, and it was even more discouraging to hear that, like we, obviously, we felt hopeless, but we didn't want to go through a divorce.

We didn't. That's not in accordance with our values. It's not in accordance with what we. Truly wanted to do. If you were a skilled marriage therapist listening to this right now and you are like pulling your hair out, we wish we found you. Yeah. Like a year and a half ago. Yeah. Um, so as time went on, things got cold.

And if you know anything about relationships, it's not when things are heated that it's the most dangerous, it's when things are cold. Mm-hmm. And the communication has died down and the connection has died down. And that's where we were at. Mm-hmm. And it reached one point where, I don't remember what sparked this, but I had sat down patients at the dining room table.

Mm-hmm. And I said. [00:20:00] I feel unsafe in my own home. Mm-hmm. I don't even feel safe laying down in my bed. Mm-hmm. Not because she was like physically abusing me or anything, but because there were so many breaches of trust Yeah. That it was like, I can't even trust my own partner, my own spouse, my own wife in my own house.

Yeah. So I, I don't feel safe. And at this point, you know, because we were so discouraged on the marriage therapy thing, I think it was like. It wa you know, like that kept getting put off. And I was bringing, I was like, we need to talk to marriage therapist. We need to find marriage therapist. But, um, I, I didn't feel like that was being reciprocated on your side.

Mm-hmm. But again, like we just had such little hope at that point that it's like, it's really not the most motivating thing to go searching out for the next marriage therapist. But we knew we needed to do something and it just kept, kept getting pushed off. And after one particular breach of trust, I sat her down at the dining room table and I said.

I, I don't [00:21:00] even feel safe in my own home. And we've talked through this and, and I'm not like, doesn't seem like anything is moving. Yeah. You're stuck. So, so there are only two options that we have here. Either we take this seriously and we go to the next marriage therapist. Mm-hmm. And we really give this another shot.

And, and I need to see you, you trying? Or I need to leave. Mm-hmm. Not divorce. Yeah. To separate, but to separate. Mm-hmm. Find another place to live for six months, eight months, and just take some time away to heal. Mm-hmm. So that I can come back with greater strength mm-hmm. To be able to help us work through that.

Yeah. And that was probably the lowest point of our marriage. Mm-hmm. When we had that conversation. I remember thinking, [00:22:00] this can't be happening. Like, this is not my life. This is not true. I remember thinking, if this happens, what are people gonna think of us? What, what's gonna happen to us? Um, and for context throughout this whole marriage, I was very stagnant.

I was not trying to change. I don't, I didn't know how to change. Um, I didn't know what needed to be changed. I. I was just very stuck. So I think after that conversation that really sparked the need to, the need to change or to pursue change. So I think at that point we had both kind of started going to individual therapy.

Do you think I. Yeah, that time. Um, and, and another caveat to this is around the same time, I had like my childhood best friend, we were friends for a really long time. Mm-hmm. And, him and I had a falling out. Mm-hmm. And so that like wrecked me 'cause that was like a [00:23:00] big pillar of my identity. Yeah.

Which is super unhealthy, by the way. Mm-hmm. Um, but that was like a big pillar of my identity. And when that came loose, like I just, like my entire life just felt like it was in shambles. Mm-hmm. At that point. Yeah. Mind you, I was making tons of money. I was making more money than I ever made in my life.

Yeah. Like on the surface to social media, we were living our lives, everything was great. Mm-hmm. But doesn't change the fact. Yeah. That on the inside I felt empty, hollow, broken. Yeah. I didn't know even who I was at that point. Mm-hmm. And so, I went to therapy to, yeah. You started the therapy. I went to therapy because again, of that friendship that fell through.

Mm-hmm. And, I kind of looked back and was trying to find the roots of like, what in my life caused me to respond that way. Think that [00:24:00] way, you know, operate that way with other people. Um, kind of find the roots and like fix those. Mm-hmm. So that it would change the way that, that I would behave. Um, and around the same time you start therapy.

Yeah. I think I was. You had started it and I was like, well, I guess I can do this too. I think it was like kind of a spark some something. We also started another marriage therapist at that time. We did, yeah. We were doing individual therapy for both of us and then marriage therapy and um, I think I saw you going to therapy and I heard the things that you were learning, so I was like, let me try this out too.

So I start going to therapy as well. Um, and again, like I said earlier, I didn't think that I could change. I didn't know what to do to change. I didn't know. What needed to be changed. So like all of this was an unidentifiable, pro unidentifiable problem for me. Um, I'm also, again, like I mentioned earlier, very detail oriented person and very practical.

So like everything that was going on was really hard for me to, to define, [00:25:00] to find a solution to. And I was really struggling. So I started going to individual therapy and I think that at least. Started getting the ball rolling towards a healthier marriage. Yeah. And so around this point we also, we get a camper van and you know, we travel up and down the east coast with our dog.

And again, thinking that, you know, being in a combined space, maybe we'd learn how to communicate better. Um, and we did, you know, in, in some ways. Um, but it also again exacerbated some of our problems and like it affected every area of our marriage. Mm-hmm. Our, our emotional intimacy was bone dry. Our sex life was bone dry.

Mm-hmm. And we would try to spice it up Yeah. And spark things in different ways and they all felt contrived and fake and it doesn't work if you don't have emotional connection and emotional safety with your spouse. Your connection as well. Yeah. If you don't have. Any type of connection with your spouse, trying to spice things up in the bedroom, [00:26:00] doesn't make sex better, doesn't make it, if anything, it made it more painful.

Yeah. 'cause it was a reminder of what was going on, how disconnected we were. And at the same time, our spiritual lives were declining. Mm-hmm. And we weren't attending church nearly as much. Mm-hmm. You know, we kind of started falling away. Yeah. And everything was obviously going downhill. Mm-hmm. And fast.

Yeah. But this is when things started to turn up bottom of the barrel. You can only look up. Right? You can only look up. Yeah. So at this point I started going to individual therapy, like I mentioned, and I was learning so much about things that I don't think I'd ever even considered. So I was learning about my communication styles, how I handled conflict, how stonewalling and withdrawing is not healthy for communication and conflict.

And I was also learning how um, childhood and upbringing and external factors can affect so much your beliefs and your perceptions of things. And everyone [00:27:00] grows up learning different things. And the way that I ended up handling conflict was withdrawing and not facing my problems and running away from them and not feeling them and numbing myself.

And that was in direct. Conflict with, with how I Yeah. You know, developed how I handle conflict. Yeah. Through, you know, my upbringing mm-hmm. And my external circumstances in life. Yeah. That shaped as a child. Mm-hmm. Just how I operate and think. Yeah. And they were in direct Yeah. Conflict with each other. I like, I don't feel safe unless it's solved right now.

Yeah. You know, you didn't feel safe. Mm-hmm. Unless, unless I have time to like go away and process and like Yeah. For a long time, gather my thoughts. Yeah. And I just, I did not respond well to being confronted and so many different things. So I think the individual therapy just made me aware of this stuff and just by be, just by becoming aware, [00:28:00] like a whole world was opened up to me about how I can change, how I can solve conflict.

I think awareness doesn't solve the problem. But it brings you closer to the next step. Yeah. You can't, and it brings you, you closer to action. You can't solve a problem that you haven't even identified or defined. Yeah. If you're not even aware of it. Mm-hmm. You can't do anything about it. Yeah. Now, obviously you don't wanna just become aware of it and that focus on the problem.

Yeah. Right. But by having someone who is guiding you through that process, they helped you become aware of it. Yeah. And then helped you look at solutions to solve it so you can move forward in a healthier manner. Yeah. And from that point mm-hmm. Everything changed. It was crazy. And so another thing as well is we also moved.

Mm-hmm. And I just wanna make like a small side note, because I do think this actually had a, a bit of an impact on it. Mm-hmm. Is like our location. Mm-hmm. yeah. Where we lived mm-hmm. Was just a, it was [00:29:00] a very cheap area. Some cheap real estate. Yeah. And that's why we moved there. Yeah. Out of college after getting married, we were like affordable housing.

Heck yeah. Yeah. But we didn't consider just the spiritual nature of that town. Mm-hmm. it was very dark. Yeah. Like, as you're driving the roads, it could be a sunny day, but it just, it feels gray. Feels gray. Yeah. It feels heavy. Mm-hmm. Spiritually, even, you know, in the places that you think would be bright or dark.

Mm-hmm. And so. That definitely had a huge impact. Mm-hmm. And then the Lord. Called, US to move out to Nashville, Tennessee. Yeah. And honestly, just since being here, it's felt different. Yeah. And so like, that's a small side note, but that I definitely do think that has had an impact Yeah. As well. And helping us to rebuild mm-hmm.

And, and heal from what we had and get to a better place. It wasn't an overnight thing. Mm-hmm. This was a process that took [00:30:00] months, months, many, many months. Yeah. But it started mm-hmm. With each of us working on ourselves mm-hmm. So that we could be better for our spouse, which we have a whole episode on.

Yes. And it'll be coming soon. and so we, we were really focused on ourselves to. To become better mm-hmm. For our spouse. Mm-hmm. And it changed how we communicated. Yeah. Changed how we operated, changed our day-today life. Yeah. We were able to connect with each other more and because we felt safer mm-hmm.

Then we were able to actually move to the higher levels and calibers of having a really healthy and, and good fruitful marriage. Mm-hmm. Um, and so now by the grace of God mm-hmm. And his mercy that he showed. During that time. Mm-hmm. he called us back into the church. we were, you know, he showed us that it's not always easy, but when things are difficult, that's when you lean into the Lord the most.

Yeah. That's when you [00:31:00] sacrifice the most. Hmm. When things are hardest is when you are most intimate with Christ, the suffering servant. Yeah. And so we, you know, grew closer to the Lord. We, we kind of re-centered ourselves on him. Mm-hmm. And then because we were focusing on making sure that we were better for each other rather than trying to change each other.

Yeah. And by identifying and doing that homework on each of our ends to find out what was causing the problems. Yeah. And then fixing those. Yeah. So that we could better serve each other. All of these things created for us. Mm-hmm. A healthier marriage. Mm-hmm. And then you, you take that, which puts you in a right direction.

Mm-hmm. And you keep going in that right direction. One for several months. Yeah. 1% every single day, every week. Then you get to a place where when you look at each other again, you're more than best friends. Yeah. You laugh together, you dance together. Mm-hmm. You go on adventures and it's fun and bright and amazing.[00:32:00] 

And then from there, when that marriage has been healed mm-hmm. That's when the Lord called us to share what we had learned. Yeah. With other people. Mm-hmm. And I do I wanna say that. It wasn't, there wasn't one single thing that fixed everything. Mm-hmm. It was a combination of us putting in the effort. It was a combination of us examining ourselves.

It was also seeking out the Lord, seeking out guidance and counsel. Getting 1% better every day is so key, and you might not see the progress in the moment, but if I look back at our marriage a year ago, it was wildly different. It was wildly. Cold and unhealthy, but every day we were both putting in a little bit of effort to do better, even if it was tweaking one thing, like tweaking one input.

You know, like just certain things like I think in marriage or in marriage therapy and in individual therapy, like we were both learning better ways to handle conflict [00:33:00] and to be patient with each other and to do something more healthy when we wanted, when I wanted to withdraw, um. Just tweaking little things every single day and then continuing to practice those things every single day.

And it was hard, and it was difficult, and a lot of those things were really unnatural. Mm-hmm. And I think there's, there's something to be said about that, that if you don't put in the work, if you don't put in the effort, then natural thing that happens is drifting apart. So think of two boats at sea, if they're not anchored, if they're not actively moving.

The current will move those two boats. Mm-hmm. Further and further away from each other. Yeah. And so it takes intention and effort mm-hmm. To really unite and to move closer to another one another. If you're not growing, you're dying. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right. And so that stagnation, you're there is no such thing and we, we mm-hmm.

You know, heard this, that we can remember there is no such thing as a static [00:34:00] marriage. Yeah. There's no such thing as it's staying still staying the same. You're maintaining No. Yeah. You're either putting in the work and intentionally growing closer and closer each and every day and putting in the, the stuff that feels unnatural.

Mm-hmm. That doesn't feel like how you would naturally respond to conflict or issues if you're not doing that though. Mm-hmm. You are moving away. Yeah. Period. Bottom line. Mm-hmm. And that was what was happening with us. Yeah. As we were drifting further mm-hmm. And further and further away until it kind of got to a point where we had to have a really hard conversation with each other.

Mm-hmm. And I'm not recommending anyone go out and, you know, separate from your spouse or anything like that. but it got to a really, really dark point. Mm-hmm. It's like we didn't, we feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed. Yeah. And so we needed to, you know, really. Take that intentional action. Yeah. I think, I think huge part is we weren't intentional with each other.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and it was through that intention that then we started, we shifted mm-hmm. The direction mm-hmm. Of [00:35:00] our boats. Yeah. And then moved closer and closer and closer. Mm-hmm. And it's a process that is still happening. We are not absolutely there. Yeah. Right. This is a love story. In the making.

Mm-hmm. It is actively being written. Mm-hmm. We are simply sharing, Hey, at this stage of our journey, at this stage of our story, this is what we learned to get back. Yeah. When we were. Drifting in separate directions. Mm-hmm. And so now, you know, five years down the road, 20 years down the road, it's gonna be even better.

It's gonna be even better. Yeah. And it just keeps going. Mm-hmm. There is no end destination. It's like, cool, we're there. No, it's in our eighties. We're gonna still be putting in the work every day because we know that marriage is work. So if you're not married and you think that marriage is a breeze, hate to break it to you pal.

But it ain't, it takes. Active work and effort, just like any other relationship. I think I just thought of this, it takes a lot of intention and it takes a lot of self-reflection. They kind of rhyme, [00:36:00] so I don't know. Yeah, I think those were like intention, reflection in tension and reflection, and I think those were two key things that actually led us to a healthier marriage, which obviously there's tons of like sub sub points under that, but it started with intention and reflection.

Now we're at a place where, thank the Lord by his grace, we are happily married. Mm-hmm. Two years in and we are in love with each other. Yeah. And when we got married, we knew this and we, I actually said it in my speech at our wedding that we had a lot of issues. Mm-hmm. And just our friendship, dating engagement.

And we kind of knew that there was gonna be some of that in the future. We didn't quite know how much. Yeah. But we made a commitment that screw compatibility. Mm-hmm. Because we are radically incompatible. Yeah. Screw compatibility. Mm-hmm. We are going to build a love together. Mm-hmm. We're gonna [00:37:00] build a life together.

Yeah. And build it. We did. Yeah. And we are still doing that. We're still building it. Yeah. When we got married. We weren't at a place where we could say, I fell in love with you. Right. That wasn't true. Mm-hmm. We actually, our, our song that we had our first dance to was, we had a few friends of ours do, um, a performance of, I Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley, but we swapped out the word Falling in love.

Mm-hmm. For building. Mm-hmm. A love. Mm-hmm. And that was our mission for our marriage, was to build something. I understand you way more than I did in the past. I feel more connected to you and I wanna serve you and love you every day more than I ever have before. And the same vein, I know myself more than I ever have before.

And I don't mean that in a selfish way, but I heard once, a pastor at Regent University say that marriage is like holding up. A full length mirror to who you [00:38:00] actually are. And when you look in that mirror, you're gonna see all of your sin. You're gonna see all of your faults, all of your downfalls. And I did.

And I still do. Like there's so much that I have to work on and improve. But 

Aaron: marriage is for holiness, not for happiness. 

Yes, it's for holiness. And through our marriage, I've learned so much about how much more I need to grow and how much more I need to cling to the Lord and how much more I need to. lay down my life for my husband.

So not only do you know me better and I know you better, but I also know myself better in a way that is much more glorifying to God as well. 'cause now I can better work through my problems and I can better communicate with you and I can better. Work with you to glorify God. Yeah. And what we're gonna be doing in this podcast series is we're gonna be breaking down the biggest lessons that we learned in our marriage and are continuing to learn.

And so we hope that you would join us in future episodes to hear some of those things. The mistakes that we made and the things that we sometimes occasionally [00:39:00] did right, as well as what the Lord has been doing in our relationship. And again, our hope for this is that it helps at least one person out there who maybe relates to one piece of our story and can take what we learned and what the Lord did as hope for you, that there is light.

At the end of the tunnel and that your love story is not up to fate or falling in love or soulmates or compatibility. Your love story is something that you can write. It is something that you can build. So we hope to see you in the future episodes. We'll be breaking down specific things in detail, but that is it for our story.

So, uh. Yeah, we'll see you on the next episode. Bye.